(Poking fun at things is a way I deal with stuff. You know, hard stuff. So if this or any post after on the subject portray me as someone not grieving, please know I am.  In my own way.)

My dog died today. Rascal. He is...was...a great dog, always a good dog. When I was told the news a thousand things flashed through my mind.

When Mom called eariler, was it Rascal's last phone chat to me before being put down?
Did she get up this morning, only to find him dead?
Was he in pain?

The questions that bring us to tears, imagining the last moments in the life of a loved one.

And when she said, "He fell into the pool", I realized that had this occured to say a child or person of age or a person with a disability we would blame her. He was an old dog. A blind dog. A sometimes deaf dog. A Feeble dog. My father blames her.

I don't. And I know Rascal doesn't. 

He was barking. She let him out back as she headed to the bathroom. The thought of putting him on a leash so she wouldn't worry popped into her mind as she closed the bathroom door. As she washed her hands, the phone rang. Being the day of her father's 88th birthday lunch, she thought it could be a family member. It was the Pharmacy, for my dad. She scanned the backyard and Rascal was sniffing around. She fumbled to find the information for my dad to give to the caller and after she hung up she looked out and didn't see him. Worried she walked to the door and opened it. She saw him in the pool. She ran, jumped, pulled him out,  his little legs moving, but his head under the water. She tried cpr on him. She rushed him inside and tried and tried and tried. He seemed to be coming back... but he didn't.

She called my dad. Who blames her. They buried him under the birdbath in his "Rascal" LL Bean Doggie bed Duvet.

I don't know if this was before or after she had to go to my grandfather's birthday.

What is so sad is that the Vet called me, because my mom doesn't know how to change her out-going message in voicemail and it still says it is my old number and here's my new one, yesterday. I called my mom to let her know to call the vet. It was about Rascal's Bloodwork. See, his kidneys were failing slowly, only functioning at like 33%. But his numbers were good. He was just weak, and old, and couldn't function how he use to.

I just hope he didn't think we failed him. We couldn't save him....

But I keep imagining my mom seeing him and running, so fast. And jumping in slow motion. To save him. I keep seeing him being ok because she tried and most important because she was there.

So I am going to be Volunteering at the Women's History Museum!! I go in tomorrow for the walk through, a chat, and then will be given some projects. How exciting! I also am applying to be a part time Volunteer Coordinator with an Animal Shelter.  It's 30 hours a week with 18-20 bucks an hour. I can totalllly do that.

Now... if only I could get a position involving cupcakes the trifecta will be complete...


Outside of that, I have been cooking every night. It's GLORIOUS. mmm.

BBQ chicken, corn, and green beans last night.
Ling. and Shrimp Scampi on Monday (Ina Garten's recipe and it is FABULOUS)


Tonight? Joe asked to pick the meal...
Hot Dogs, Mac and Cheese, and peas.
He wants beans but in an effort to get more greens in the boy... peas it is.

Also, day two of getting moving almost done. We've run 3 miles and walked 1.5. Another walk tonight after dinner at sunset is in order...

Outside of that... I haven't been to the beach much in an attempt not to be a beach bum. I figured unemployeed is enough.

So far, I have applied to over 50 positions.
Nothing back.
Not worried, I know how bad it is out there.

So I applied for two volunteer positions, actually I just whored myself out and begged for something to do...

The Women's History Museum emailed me back! The Volunteer Coordinator forwarded my email to the director who wants to have a phone interview and also me to come in next week... a volunteer position got back fast to me than one with a paycheck.

At least I am better the world, right?
RIGHT??

Can you really be all about organic if you have a boobjob?


I applied to three jobs. And now I am going to clean my house and then get dinner items (picnic of cheese, wine, bread, fruit, and good chocolate!). Woooot Masters Degree!

Since the economy is so amazing and the job market is bursting from the seams, it looks like I am gearing up for another fun week of nothing. I feel like one of those people that your father would call a "Dirty Hippy" or "System Tit Sucker", but I'm not. I swear. I've stressed too many times over finding jobs. I will never have another time in my life where I will be able to have this freedom.

Yesterday, I joined Trav and Sara and we saw the play Good Boys. Two Fathers. A school shooting. One's son is a victim, one the shooter. Can they heal?    AMAZING. I feel anyone should go see this  but the religious stuff... I would leave out. But they did address the bullying, the gay harassment, and the need for people, when they see the warning signs, to be there for their children. This doesn't mean scream "SCHOOL SHOOTER!" at them, but ask them what is going on at school.  And frankly, if my kid ever told me he was being bullied, I'd be at that school faster than you can say "Lawsuit". And don't say you "don't see it", that's like parents saying "I didn't think a little heat would be bad" about leaving kids in cars while they head to the mall.  (also, I am unsure where I stand on the leaving kid in car. When going to the mall or work... come ON. But I can see the need to run in to something for 2 minutes and thinking everything would be ok... is my parenting too 1950's? I guess I am just a darwinian at heart... survival of the fittest! I mean we gotta prepare these kids for global warming, right?... too soon?)

I think one of the best things about the play was its ability to give the black father almost every single sterotypical function in life--A pastor, a warehouse worker, and an ex-felon alll rolled into one. That was pretty epic. Also the fact that a CHURCH group was there was interesting. Considering God all the sudden jumped into the play, causing me to roll my eyes a bit and lose the emotional connection with the characters. The talk afterwards was nice. Only one person brought up "I'm a christian so we're the only ones who believe in forgiveness and no one else does". Which was nice for the blatant atheists in the audience, Sara, Trav, and myself. Luckily, the director shifted quickly.

I also walked/ran 30 miles last week. This week I am going for one day a 5 mile walk, the next day a 5k with half running/half walking. Then yoga on the wii-- I SWEAR it is the BEST way to stretch after running or walking. You are hitting everything but inner thighs well. Just do the butterfly and you are golden. With the yoga, I don't have any soreness for that 30 miles at all. And my body feels very flexible.


On the job front: Applied to 15 jobs last week that are "real". Tried to apply for a few retail jobs... but they are all "always accepting applications!" which translates into "not hiring...thannnnks". I am hoping for at least 15 more jobs to apply to this week...

Mom wants to start an etsy site and seel her crafted goods. I'm being brought on as a partner 70/30. I'll take my 30. I just have to do the business plan and marketing plan, set up the site, and etc. I think she'll want me to do all the order stuff too... fun?


So outside of all of that... I am just being a jobless bum spending my last few dollars on women's studies books and martinis.

Now, your moment of Zen...
The recent Carl's Jr ads can easily be called Douchebaggitry 101: Embracing your inner Douche. It's a follow up to AP Objectification. http://current.com/items/89939735_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-carls-jr.htm

One of the hardest things I have had to do is graft the new knowledge of Heath at Everysize onto my 26 years of knowledge. HAES makes sense to me. Diets don't work. Why the hell was I starving myself for so long? Workouts that aren't fun? This is why I hated going to the gym... it wasn't FUN. I was looking at a calorie counter to make sure I burned enough so my 1200 calorie a day diet would produce the Abs of Jessica Alba. Not happening. But loving my body? Eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full? Finding FUN exercise? Sign me up!!

But it is not that easy.

The Theory Of Knowledge, according to Dewey, James, Rorty, West, and a host of other pragmatists, states that we all have a way of thinking and throughout our life we come into contact with contridictory ideas to that base. In order to make sense of this new information or idea, we struggle with it internally (and I feel externally as I am writing about it and still going through it). Finally, we assimulate this new bit into the hive of our consciousness. But those old ways of thinking are still there.

In regards to me and HAES... this is the problem. The Diet demons are still there. They aren't as loud. But sometimes the calorie counter comes out. Not in the old keeping track "You've hit 800 calories already!!" way. But I still look at food and rather than seeing something tasty, I see a number. Banana: about 90-130 calories. Yogurt: 70-170 depending on type. I still go after products, like fat free yogurt, because of this. I don't even realize I am doing it. And the fact of the matter is this: Most Diet food TASTES LIKE CRAP and is CRAP for you. So why the hell I still get fat free yogurt is beyond me. Because I DO NOT eat it. Because it tastes like crap. But at least not I realize that's why I don't eat it and why I now only pick two up at the store... as if I'll want it.

It's not wondering when will this knowledge go away, but more of... how can I use it?

I realized sharing my stories of self-starvation and disordered eating through the veil of "diets" can be that vessel or tool for me.


This week in Living HAES with Gin:

I have cooked and had yummy meals. I had mini tarts last night-- like mini cupcake/quiche sized--- sooooo good! (they had 5 flavors and I picked up 12 for Kenzie and I to split.). I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full-- this is huge for me because I looove food and will just graze and graze after dinner on the dinner...

I have walked/ran 20 miles in beautiful San Diego.

I have done yoga and strength training with the wii-- skipping the body test.

I have been loving my body. Hair naturally wavy, sunblock, rest, positive comments, etc.


But sometimes, I feel like it is still a diet because of that damned voice.

6AM-- Alarm goes off. I hit it and get out of bed.
6:01AM-- A Girls Gotta pee.
6:10 AM-- Fire up the old Wii for some yoga, strength training, and balance games.
6:45 AM-- Make some breakfast and watch the News
8:00AM-- Golden Girls is on.
9:00AM-- Think about taking a nap.
9:10AM-- Spraying Self with Sunblock
9:30AM-- Start walk Down DIamond, On to the boardwalk, down for over 1.5miles, cross to bay, hit Cass Street, walk back to Diamond.
9:45AM-- Listen to "Sexy Back" Just oooonnnne more time.
10:30AM--Slow walk down a good deal and window shop a little.
10:45AM-- Back from walk (working up to the running)
11:00AM-- Make Smoothie
11:30AM-- Take Shower
12:30PM-- Ready for the day!
12:31PM--Check Craigslist, NPworks, Monster, and all other job postings for jobs
12:45PM--Start emailing out Resumes and Cover Letters...
1PM-- Done with that
1:01PM-- Facebook it for a bit
2:02PM--Add books to my Amazon list
3:03PM-- Read something scholarly
4:04PM--Open Thesis File.... but only open it
4:30PM--Sit on back deck in the full sun
6:00PM--Think about Dinner...
7:00PM--Make Dinner
8:00PM-- Call Friends
8:01PM--Remember no one has a job or money to actually do anything...
8:02PM--Open bottle of wine and find a book or movie
11PM-- Go to Bed and Repeat

Did I mention on Saturday we had Hamism? Lots of Ham. Potato salad and other side dishes. Mmm. We also watched coverage of Swine Flu.

That being said:


<i>The university is committed to keeping the university community informed on swine flu as it relates to our campus.  On Tuesday, April 28, a student was treated by Student Health Services for flu-like symptoms.  The student was experiencing a fever, respiratory illness and tested positive for type A influenza.  Based on this, the student is considered to have a "suspected" case of swine flu.  The student is currently receiving treatment and the condition is not considered life threatening.  The university is working with the San Diego County Health Department to further investigate if the student has swine flu.  Meantime, the student - who does not live on campus - will not be returning to campus until the condition improves to the point where the student is no longer infectious.

We are not aware of any other suspected cases of swine flu on campus.  Following consultation with the San Diego County Health Department, classes and other university operations are continuing.  If a case of swine flu is confirmed, additional information will be provided, however this may take several days.  It is important to know that thus far, no deaths have been attributed to swine flu in the U.S.  However, it is important that each of us take necessary precautions to prevent the spread of infection. </i>


Guess how many of my kids were "sick" on monday...

I really, really love my students. Even my 2pm class. Who I wanted to kick in the face a little at the beginning of the semester.

Thesis went to publisher. and I promptly found about 1500 things wrong with it... like a missing page number...  it literally looks like this (p.) in my thesis... grrrreeeat. It was only 266 bucks for 6 copies... kinda sweet deal. Black covers with silver lettering for the library, department, Val and George. Oceany Blue and silver for my mom and My kiwi green with gold lettering for me! Yay!

One last paper. And actually my "heated" talk over in a community really helped me nail out the whole thing. I had the connection but had not articulated it correctly/well/whatever.

Only three weeks of grad school left. Weird.

Also, everyone and their mom now wants me to go to Ph.d but I am too happy in San Diego. So to folks (looking at you Kat) out there who have or have not... what are your thoughts? The New York Times had a great article about part of my problem the other day. We become so specialized so each school has one of us and then of course we can't get jobs... yay. I just feel guilty taking something away from someone who may have worked harder and had to overcome different obstacles to get where they are today... and for me... it was kinda just handed to me... 

 

One of my favorite things to do is compliment people throughout the day. This seems weird I know. I think it's the last little bit of southerness still flowing in my veins. But for some strange reason, I feel amazing when I compliment others.


I'll compliment on cute tops, jeans, dresses, earrings, shoes (ohhh shoes!), smarts, artistic talents, drinking making skillz, and hair styles, and etc.  I think a nice "Awesome shirt!", "Really cute earrings!", "Those sweatpants look so comfy and they are cute too!", "You sooo know how to make a martini" and "Where DO you get your hair done! That style is rockin!"  puts a smile on anyone's face and brightens a day.


What doesn't?

Oh look at that top! Did you lose weight?
So cute... on your body.
That hair cut really makes your face look pretty.
and etc.

So give compliments! Make other people feel good! Just watch the backhanded slap anti-compliment put down.

I PASSED MY THESIS DEFENSE WITH FLYING COLORS! WOOHAAA! :-)

My head has been spinning lately over what is bringing me down. It's not a normal down, such as when I talk to my mom about Pop and his health or when I am stressed about school or even worrying over money matters. It's a different down that follows me like a little cloud but doesn't start to rain. Just a shadowy mist covering the day. It's been hard for me to put my finger on it. But the more I think about what it is that is bothering me, it just comes right to the surface.

I'm pissed. And there.is.nothing.i.can.do.about.it.

Let's be honest.
Know what's gonna get me a job after graduation?
My previous job experience.
Know what most Marketing companies and departments are gonna say about my writing?
Tone it down. Cut the "big" words out.

I'm stuck in a bad, bad place.

I hate saying this. I HATE saying this. I HATE SAYING THIS.
But I have to.

These are the roads I am seeing:

Professional Road:
I'll be asked to give up all the knowledge I've "learned" and revert back to an old way of writing and thinking. I'll get the little pat on the head and "good girl!" behavior. I don't think I can handle it. And by "handle" I mean deal with it on any level without a remark that could get my fired.

Academic Road:
I'll have to deal with elitist asshats. More drama like or unlike my current departments. And right now I have no desire to do this ANYMORE. Plus, why would I want to go on when the folks I would need letters of rec from have forgotten to include me in newsletters and etc-- by include me I mean include I am at the conferences and etc. It happened twice and I was the ONLY grad student left off.. I mean really.. it's obvious that no one gives a shit.


It's just this stuck with on possible "good" future. It sucks and I am pissed about it.

I should not have to "give up" everything, but I know, so it's "easier" I will. Because I've seen it before and I'll see it again, it just sucks.

So I defend my thesis next Monday at 12pm.
It's a weird feeling. And to tell you the truth, I feel out of sorts about it. For one, we build up the thesis to be this big, massive thing. A looming goal that holds many troubles and tears along the way. But the truth of the matter, it wasn't that difficult. I made it kinda difficult at times, but really... it's not that bad. So I feel the defense will be very anti-climatic. Which makes me a little sad. Much like graduation... I feel a little bad I'm not that excited about it. After all this hard work, you'd think I'd be more pumped.

Maybe it's the last paper I have to do. Maybe it's the fact I am coming to terms with the idea that Ph.D may not be for me.

Lately, I have been reflecting on privilege in terms of education a lot. Of course kids from middle to upper income families are more likely to attend college, they can afford computers, tutors, and typically education is held up to some degree. But if you don't meet that standard, well tough shit. As a teacher, my favorite students have typically not been those like me. My best students are typically from a more middle class background, but my favorite students aren't. As a teacher I love watching these students grown, develop new ideas, and really appreciate this education they are lucky to get.


Frankly, I'm done.
I would rather someone else, someone with more smarts, more drive, more gun-ho to do it, to get the position I would have gone after. I'm tired of pushing myself to be some sort of intellectual that I just am not.

And this is the best part of this entire process.

It's ok. It's completely ok. And I may change my mind or the situation may change... and that's ok too.
The point of the matter is that I am finally seeing my "short comings" as not that. I am seeing them as me, as my character. Sure, I'd love a stronger, larger vocab. But you know what? I'm very well read, and I don't have it. And that's ok. It's me. We're not all suppose to be superstars. I'm proud of my friends with book chapters, amazing award-winning studies and presentations, and overall drive to be the scholars they are. But I am really proud that I took this chance, moved out here, started this program, made amazing friends. 

I may have a masters in May. I may have a few papers at a few conferences. I may have some good ideas. I may enjoy reading and expanding myself in that matter, but maybe... maybe I'm just not academic material... and that's ok. I'm ready to be able to be ok with this. the more I think of privilege and education, the more sick I get to my stomach. I want to cause change in the world, but maybe this isn't that path. And that's A-ok.

I think it takes a good 26 years to realize that all those things that make you different, that you use to compare yourself to others, that you frown at are actually all the things that make you really, really cool. I want to embrace these and just be rather than striving to be something I'm not.

Just as moving from DC allowed me to turn in the Tiffany's and Mc-Manson ideals and over a new leaf, I feel leaving the walls of SDSU will free me from some of the less appealing aspects of academia I am seeing popping out of the woodwork.

It's kinda nice being your own person...
I am now seeing how my dear Kari lives so much and so full! ;-)

Wiifit is way too addicting. I am limiting myself to 2 hours a day. And I can't wait for next week when I am up at normal time rather than 7:30am sleeping in time.

I think I am going to alternate days of yoga and strength training in the mornings for 30ish minutes (what's bad is wii time and actual time are different, but it would be the same if I was in the gym going from machine to machine...), shower, and get ready. Then a walk once I am home to clear my head a little, working on things, and then, of course, a little wii time later in the night. Joe really digs the wiifit too.

Since he had knee surgery and little PT afterwards, his balance and strength on that side is a little weak. So it helps him have a measure to  judge his progress.

My only complaints: the belittling for "overweight" and, I am sure, "obese", the "while doing this exercise, focus on what you want your body to look like...", and the "oh" noise the board makes when it asks you to step on it. Fuck you, with that one.

But as a fun workout tool? Great! You can even bipass the entire body measure stuff too, which I wish I had done. I love the body challenge ones, but I wish I could turn the BMI and weight part off.

Ok. Off to Ikea. I bought a table and two chairs and wouldn't you know it... parts missing...

I heart my new wiifit! best bday present ever!
So far, my day has been perfect!
Woke up at 7. Opened presents. Played with Wiifit. Made Joe late to work with WiiFit. Had breakfast. Watched Golden Girls. Went on a 2.5 mile walk. And now I am gonna take a shower and get cupcakes and find something fab to have for lunch... mmmmm. Sooo exciting!

Dinner is going to be tasty too...mmmm.

Thank you for making jeans that not only fit me in rise and size but in inseam length.  After spending a good 2 hours at The Rack trying on Designer on the Cheap jeans that were either: Fit in size, but the rise was either a little too Christina Aguleria low or "Fat" Jessica Simpson  high or, better yet, there is enough material in the legs that after I hem them, I could make a pair of capri pants. Plus, even if they are a "deal" 89 bucks is too much to spend on something that doesn't look like butta when you put it on. Know what I mean? But you Target, you got it. I MAY have to hem an inch or two off depending on if I wear them more with heels (which in my old age, heels are becoming a painful joke) or flipflops (which I feel may take over my shoe rack...). The fit it great and even if I lose or gain weight these pants will work! (They have the good stretch in them too!) Plus, the dark color is great and you don't do oppressive whiskering. So thank you, Target.

Love always,

Gin

7pm... mmmmm
Jayne's GastroPub

What to wear... what to wear...

I never thought at 26 (tomorrow), I would still be celebrating Spring Break. Or that when I say "At the beginning of the year", I mean in August/September.

Friday: My thesis went to Committee! I hate the conclusion and I think I managed to make it worse in my re-write... yay? So That's on my brain. I also stayed up over 42 hours... which was fun. Joe and I celebrated with going to bed at around 7pm.

Saturday: Acai bowls for breakfast and Joe went to hang out with Justin, who was down from LA, and the boys. I went to Cream of the Crop to check out this dress I had been eyeing in the window. But, the good old second hand shop had sold it. So I went to TJ MAX for some giggles.

Holy shit. I scored some AMAZING stuff. Why have I been going to the mall the last few months only to leave empty handed?!

Not only did I find my graduation dress for 29 bucks, but I bought a dress to wear that evening at the party and a pair of cute flipflops. Graduation dress is just a simple cotton sundress, but the print is of flowers on a green background. So it's bright pink and green! I am thinking pink flats or little kitten heels. And a pink ribbon in the hair... It's gonna be fantastic!

The other dress is a Maxi dress... which I thought would look like crap and while I am not overly in love, love with it, I had a TON of compliments on it all night. It's blue with big  WHITE asian flowers or something kinda tropical.White flipflops finished the look. Very BoHo but classy.

So after getting ready, Joe and I drove out to Jamul in Rancho San Diego. Which is in FIRE COUNTRY! yay! Why the hell did we go here?

My friend Sara is house sitting for a professor. So we decided to have a little gathering. Burgers, Hot Dogs, and Etc. Travis Made some "Nebraska Spring Breezes"*. We hung out and I saw some friends who graduated in Dec and who I miss dearly. At about 10, we headed out and dropped Bri off at her place.

Back in PB, we headed up to see the Twin's new house. The $880,000 one. It's really, really nice and has a great view and the 3 bedrooms are HUGE! Plus the firepit and nice BBQ? Sweet deal. Hardwood in the majority of rooms, Stone Tile in the entryway/dining room, kitchen and bathrooms. HUGE garage. And the view from the upper deck? AMAZING! You can see downtown, the bay, the OCEAN! everything! sooo nice!

After having a beer and seeing the place we headed back to the Casa and then out in PB. Met up with Justin and the boys, they just got back from North Park Indie Music Fest where Justin played, and played darts while closing down the bar. Off to Bragas for late night and then Joe, Justin, and I walked back to our place. Justin crashed in the Loft and we all woke up early for some Mario Cart.

Sunday... just naps and chinese food.

Good weekend! Now to Spring Break 09!


* To Make a Nebraska Spring Breeze you will need: Country Time Limonaid (about half a container), A Lite Beer or two, Vodka, and a little water. It sounds gross, but it's AMAZING.

One of the problems I am encountering with the transition to HAES is that I still feel the need to "measure" something. My internal Calorie Counter is getting softer, but my need to make sure I am getting in what I need per-day is getting louder. What's a gal to do?

Kate Harding notes she eats what she feels and everyday is different. I feel the same way and act much the same. But, a lot of the stuff I have been eating lately, isn't healthy... or really what I should say is that due to stress and the fact the food on campus sucks mirrored with my inability to actually bring lunch has proven that if my head wasn't attached, I'd lose it. In English: a lot of days I don't eat until I get hungry... at 3pm. 3pm is typically once I am off work and once my stomach and mind get to connect over things like food. And then because I can't figure out what I am having for dinner, I settle on a bowl of cereal. This leads to me not only eating dinner but snacking allll night long. So I have decided to do something about it as it's not healthy.

As much as MyPyramid is loaded with anti-fat sentiments, I do feel that it is a good tool. (Plus, the USDA also conducted a study using HAES and found that it was a much better techique for overall health than traditional dieting. So I have a little respect for them.... a little.)

So rather than counting and limiting, my new goal is hitting things-- or eating them. I'd rather try to incorporate more veggies into my life than feel guilt over eating ONE tiny piece of chocolate.

Also, I have planned out my daily walk and it's 2.79 miles and takes about 45 minutes. I need to do a little google pedding around to see how I can make it 3, but 2.79 is good for now. My goal isn't to view this as working out for calorie burn, but to get outside and enjoy beautiful San Diego as much as I can.

So Today, I have gone on my walk and I am about to make breakfast. Then it is Thesising until class... why? Because it's DUE TO MY COMMITTEE TOMORROW! eeek!