That's it! I am writing a new rule! No! a GOAL!

My GOALS!

Ahh December. The end of the year, the part where we get so wrapped up in the Holidays we forget about you. Sure we reflect on the rest of the year, but December? A Blur. Lots of lights. trees. treats. BLUR. And we don't Set Goals.

My Goals for Decemeber...

1. Write everyday.
2. Run, baby, run.
3. Job?
4. be a duck.


Here's the thing. I stopped writing because my blog was a I ate cereal today blog. BORING. And where is the fun. Now I have a lot of thoughts and Ideas, rants and raves, and general stories to share.

I also stopped going to the gym and generally working out in my normal manner. I blame becoming a FAM member and moving in with Joe. But we've been running most days this week! So run, baby. run.

I have a second interview on Monday. Fingers crossed.

In my retail seasonal gig at the cookware store... I have not let ANYTHING get to me. I am learning to control the hulk. Let's continue that.

SO let's start with, number one.

After over five years of using LJ, I have decided to reintroduce myself and redefine myself.

I am a part-time employed seasonal worker at a high end cookware store who has a master's degree and a desire to gain employment within the realm of communication/Marketing/PR. I live right by the ocean and don't appreciate it enough. I earned my M.A. at a great school, had the privilege to teach some amazing kids, and work with some awesome people. It was one of the best times of my life and I hope to share those stories at some point. Before that I lived for less than a year in Austin, TX with one cool Kat. Austin was my inbetween. The old and the new, my past and my future. See, I was born,raised, and educated in the great state of Virginia. I grew up with so much Colonial History you'd think I'd be a republican. I mean one of the oldest brick home within the US is in my neighborhood. I went to GMU and loved living right outside of DC for my college experience and early working fun times in Marketing.

I generally dislike children. Some kids, I like. Such as Riley, who was a diva since birth. I love dogs. I enjoy running. I have an excellent partner, Joe, who not only treats me like a princess, but also is a real sweetheart. and that's about it.

Moving into haes and fam has been difficult. I mean, self hatred and body image issues are pretty ingrained with us all. Even if we have on self-esteem. But I am really happy for these changes. They have allowed me to target what I don't like, what makes me feel bad and good, and focus on myself. To be honest I am happy to have become selfish in some regards because I give a lot.

I have been admiring my body more. Talking kindly to it and treating of well. I have been eating what I feel, and making healthy choices that deal more with getting more fresh produce and whole foods in rather than calories. I am sick of seeing food as the enemy. And happy to expand my love of it through cooking and experimenting more.
I am exercising a lot. More walks due to the foot issue, which today... finally cleared up and I am pain free. I am lifting weights, doing wiifit and yoga. I am doing house things rather than siting the couch. I ride my bike rather than drive. I enjoy my days and push to be more active but do enjoy rest. The new job has me excited for standing and walking for hours again, like with teaching.
I feel more connected.
I feel together again.
and I love that a number on the scale or a size of a pair of jeans is not determining that, my activity level, or what I eat.

After six months, 500 applications, and only 2 interviews....

I HAVE A JOB.

seasonal retail.
But a job.
With money.
9 whole dollars an hour.
Which, sadly, is more than I made teaching per hour.

And a sweeeeet discount.
Some drool over clothes and shoes, me? Copper pans and le Creuset.

And it smells good.

I know my lack of putting on eyeliner skillz separates me from a lot of women. Kinda like how my "I don't ever do my nails unless someone else is paying for it" separates me and my "I have no idea what is fashionable" separates me. Apparently, when I was a teen I didn't spend enough time staring at myself in mirrors, reading mags, or fantasizing over how Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys was going to save me from my sad little teenage life (which I tried to do, but failed). I thought I was missing the "gene" or maybe had the lesbian tendecies but only likes cock issues. I never got it. Shaving my legs sometimes still gets me. I'm the most un-girly girl ever. Or at least I just don't know girl things.

But HOLY FUCK! there use to be videos about how to be a woman back in the day! And yes, I could talk about how these videos only continue master narratives of our society that beauty if found only in white (clear) skin and blond hair (and apparently milk!), there is a "proper" way to be/act, and stealing low cost items like a hat ALWAYS leads to babies dying. But I'm gonna let you (and salon) all do that work for me.

Instead, I want to focus on the LACK of these videos in my childhood. We didn't get these. I didn't see these. And I am sure me not seeing them nor having any idea of how to really "be a woman" lead me to getting the M.A. rather than the M.R.S. at 18 with a baby on the way. Because rather than focusing on how to be thin and having a belly shirt collection, I was reading. But could you IMAGINE had I had these videos?!

I would actually be as fucked up as normal ladies! I would have had even WORSE body image issues, and EARLIER! (Mine didn't develop until college. And I still think bulima wastes food. Which was my only thought when I tried it on for size post-college). I would have had such better fashion sense! I would have joined a sorority! And not due to sisterhood or to have a good social scene (that would be a minor reason), but for all the douche bags who could use me for sex and make me feel pretty for .05 seconds! I would I found exercise sooner! I would actually understand why black and brown "don't" go together. I would actually understand the point of spending hours on my hair and makeup and, more than likely, slept with someone in a band-- not one you've heard of. I missed OUT on those experiences. And I am a little sad I did.

Sure, I'm who I am. But sometimes, I really, really wish I could have had a fucked up guide to tell me how to be. And a mom who didn't protect me from all that fucked up shit, let me read and dream. I could have known "how to be a woman" or at least how to put eye liner on.

/sarcasm

Edit: this is totally me just doing a tongue-in-cheek  there is no "right" way to be a person. Even if we lack experiences that we feel most folks have (if you have had one of these, it is not a jab at you!) it doesn't mean we aren't "good" or whatever, just different and those differences allow us to bring a lot to the table. So we should rejoice them. Because they make us who we are.

But I still wanna know how to put eyeliner on properly!
OH and do the 70's curls away from the face look that's been hot for a while. I can do the smaller curls, but not the Charlie's Angels big ones...

I've been recovering from a cold. I swear I picked it up at the job fair. I don't know about ya'll, but when I am sick I have no appetite. None. I don't even know if I am hungry. On Sunday, the only reason I ate dinner was because I was boozing to cheer on the Chargers and knew I needed to counter-act the beer, shots, and other delights our bartender created for us at Hennessy's in PB. (The drink specials were great! $4.50 for a big, big beer!).

But today I am feeling better. And it actually feels like Fall here. Yep, 4 blocks from the Pacific Ocean and it feels like a nice Virginia Fall to me! :-) So I say it's time for something yummy, filling, and warm.

Pot Roast.

As Julia Child (1994) states "A pot roast is definitely home cooking, the leisurely fragrant long-simmering kind known affectionately in France as ‘la cuisine mijotée’ – slow-simmered cooking" similar to a stew or ragout. She continues "But a pot roast makes a more dramatic appearance than a stew. It looks important".

I gave my partner, Joe, my cold. And since I am no longer the sickest one, I feel it is my duty to perpare a meal that will heal and be important, substansial, and help him feel, for a moment, better.

As many of you may note in my info, I am a fan of HAES and am a fat acceptance supporter. This means in plain terms, I do not see food as an enemy.  And luckily, neither did Julia. She claims in The Way to Cook,

(Poking fun at things is a way I deal with stuff. You know, hard stuff. So if this or any post after on the subject portray me as someone not grieving, please know I am.  In my own way.)

My dog died today. Rascal. He is...was...a great dog, always a good dog. When I was told the news a thousand things flashed through my mind.

When Mom called eariler, was it Rascal's last phone chat to me before being put down?
Did she get up this morning, only to find him dead?
Was he in pain?

The questions that bring us to tears, imagining the last moments in the life of a loved one.

And when she said, "He fell into the pool", I realized that had this occured to say a child or person of age or a person with a disability we would blame her. He was an old dog. A blind dog. A sometimes deaf dog. A Feeble dog. My father blames her.

I don't. And I know Rascal doesn't. 

He was barking. She let him out back as she headed to the bathroom. The thought of putting him on a leash so she wouldn't worry popped into her mind as she closed the bathroom door. As she washed her hands, the phone rang. Being the day of her father's 88th birthday lunch, she thought it could be a family member. It was the Pharmacy, for my dad. She scanned the backyard and Rascal was sniffing around. She fumbled to find the information for my dad to give to the caller and after she hung up she looked out and didn't see him. Worried she walked to the door and opened it. She saw him in the pool. She ran, jumped, pulled him out,  his little legs moving, but his head under the water. She tried cpr on him. She rushed him inside and tried and tried and tried. He seemed to be coming back... but he didn't.

She called my dad. Who blames her. They buried him under the birdbath in his "Rascal" LL Bean Doggie bed Duvet.

I don't know if this was before or after she had to go to my grandfather's birthday.

What is so sad is that the Vet called me, because my mom doesn't know how to change her out-going message in voicemail and it still says it is my old number and here's my new one, yesterday. I called my mom to let her know to call the vet. It was about Rascal's Bloodwork. See, his kidneys were failing slowly, only functioning at like 33%. But his numbers were good. He was just weak, and old, and couldn't function how he use to.

I just hope he didn't think we failed him. We couldn't save him....

But I keep imagining my mom seeing him and running, so fast. And jumping in slow motion. To save him. I keep seeing him being ok because she tried and most important because she was there.

So I am going to be Volunteering at the Women's History Museum!! I go in tomorrow for the walk through, a chat, and then will be given some projects. How exciting! I also am applying to be a part time Volunteer Coordinator with an Animal Shelter.  It's 30 hours a week with 18-20 bucks an hour. I can totalllly do that.

Now... if only I could get a position involving cupcakes the trifecta will be complete...


Outside of that, I have been cooking every night. It's GLORIOUS. mmm.

BBQ chicken, corn, and green beans last night.
Ling. and Shrimp Scampi on Monday (Ina Garten's recipe and it is FABULOUS)


Tonight? Joe asked to pick the meal...
Hot Dogs, Mac and Cheese, and peas.
He wants beans but in an effort to get more greens in the boy... peas it is.

Also, day two of getting moving almost done. We've run 3 miles and walked 1.5. Another walk tonight after dinner at sunset is in order...

Outside of that... I haven't been to the beach much in an attempt not to be a beach bum. I figured unemployeed is enough.

So far, I have applied to over 50 positions.
Nothing back.
Not worried, I know how bad it is out there.

So I applied for two volunteer positions, actually I just whored myself out and begged for something to do...

The Women's History Museum emailed me back! The Volunteer Coordinator forwarded my email to the director who wants to have a phone interview and also me to come in next week... a volunteer position got back fast to me than one with a paycheck.

At least I am better the world, right?
RIGHT??

Can you really be all about organic if you have a boobjob?


I applied to three jobs. And now I am going to clean my house and then get dinner items (picnic of cheese, wine, bread, fruit, and good chocolate!). Woooot Masters Degree!

Since the economy is so amazing and the job market is bursting from the seams, it looks like I am gearing up for another fun week of nothing. I feel like one of those people that your father would call a "Dirty Hippy" or "System Tit Sucker", but I'm not. I swear. I've stressed too many times over finding jobs. I will never have another time in my life where I will be able to have this freedom.

Yesterday, I joined Trav and Sara and we saw the play Good Boys. Two Fathers. A school shooting. One's son is a victim, one the shooter. Can they heal?    AMAZING. I feel anyone should go see this  but the religious stuff... I would leave out. But they did address the bullying, the gay harassment, and the need for people, when they see the warning signs, to be there for their children. This doesn't mean scream "SCHOOL SHOOTER!" at them, but ask them what is going on at school.  And frankly, if my kid ever told me he was being bullied, I'd be at that school faster than you can say "Lawsuit". And don't say you "don't see it", that's like parents saying "I didn't think a little heat would be bad" about leaving kids in cars while they head to the mall.  (also, I am unsure where I stand on the leaving kid in car. When going to the mall or work... come ON. But I can see the need to run in to something for 2 minutes and thinking everything would be ok... is my parenting too 1950's? I guess I am just a darwinian at heart... survival of the fittest! I mean we gotta prepare these kids for global warming, right?... too soon?)

I think one of the best things about the play was its ability to give the black father almost every single sterotypical function in life--A pastor, a warehouse worker, and an ex-felon alll rolled into one. That was pretty epic. Also the fact that a CHURCH group was there was interesting. Considering God all the sudden jumped into the play, causing me to roll my eyes a bit and lose the emotional connection with the characters. The talk afterwards was nice. Only one person brought up "I'm a christian so we're the only ones who believe in forgiveness and no one else does". Which was nice for the blatant atheists in the audience, Sara, Trav, and myself. Luckily, the director shifted quickly.

I also walked/ran 30 miles last week. This week I am going for one day a 5 mile walk, the next day a 5k with half running/half walking. Then yoga on the wii-- I SWEAR it is the BEST way to stretch after running or walking. You are hitting everything but inner thighs well. Just do the butterfly and you are golden. With the yoga, I don't have any soreness for that 30 miles at all. And my body feels very flexible.


On the job front: Applied to 15 jobs last week that are "real". Tried to apply for a few retail jobs... but they are all "always accepting applications!" which translates into "not hiring...thannnnks". I am hoping for at least 15 more jobs to apply to this week...

Mom wants to start an etsy site and seel her crafted goods. I'm being brought on as a partner 70/30. I'll take my 30. I just have to do the business plan and marketing plan, set up the site, and etc. I think she'll want me to do all the order stuff too... fun?


So outside of all of that... I am just being a jobless bum spending my last few dollars on women's studies books and martinis.

Now, your moment of Zen...
The recent Carl's Jr ads can easily be called Douchebaggitry 101: Embracing your inner Douche. It's a follow up to AP Objectification. http://current.com/items/89939735_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-carls-jr.htm

One of the hardest things I have had to do is graft the new knowledge of Heath at Everysize onto my 26 years of knowledge. HAES makes sense to me. Diets don't work. Why the hell was I starving myself for so long? Workouts that aren't fun? This is why I hated going to the gym... it wasn't FUN. I was looking at a calorie counter to make sure I burned enough so my 1200 calorie a day diet would produce the Abs of Jessica Alba. Not happening. But loving my body? Eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full? Finding FUN exercise? Sign me up!!

But it is not that easy.

The Theory Of Knowledge, according to Dewey, James, Rorty, West, and a host of other pragmatists, states that we all have a way of thinking and throughout our life we come into contact with contridictory ideas to that base. In order to make sense of this new information or idea, we struggle with it internally (and I feel externally as I am writing about it and still going through it). Finally, we assimulate this new bit into the hive of our consciousness. But those old ways of thinking are still there.

In regards to me and HAES... this is the problem. The Diet demons are still there. They aren't as loud. But sometimes the calorie counter comes out. Not in the old keeping track "You've hit 800 calories already!!" way. But I still look at food and rather than seeing something tasty, I see a number. Banana: about 90-130 calories. Yogurt: 70-170 depending on type. I still go after products, like fat free yogurt, because of this. I don't even realize I am doing it. And the fact of the matter is this: Most Diet food TASTES LIKE CRAP and is CRAP for you. So why the hell I still get fat free yogurt is beyond me. Because I DO NOT eat it. Because it tastes like crap. But at least not I realize that's why I don't eat it and why I now only pick two up at the store... as if I'll want it.

It's not wondering when will this knowledge go away, but more of... how can I use it?

I realized sharing my stories of self-starvation and disordered eating through the veil of "diets" can be that vessel or tool for me.


This week in Living HAES with Gin:

I have cooked and had yummy meals. I had mini tarts last night-- like mini cupcake/quiche sized--- sooooo good! (they had 5 flavors and I picked up 12 for Kenzie and I to split.). I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full-- this is huge for me because I looove food and will just graze and graze after dinner on the dinner...

I have walked/ran 20 miles in beautiful San Diego.

I have done yoga and strength training with the wii-- skipping the body test.

I have been loving my body. Hair naturally wavy, sunblock, rest, positive comments, etc.


But sometimes, I feel like it is still a diet because of that damned voice.

6AM-- Alarm goes off. I hit it and get out of bed.
6:01AM-- A Girls Gotta pee.
6:10 AM-- Fire up the old Wii for some yoga, strength training, and balance games.
6:45 AM-- Make some breakfast and watch the News
8:00AM-- Golden Girls is on.
9:00AM-- Think about taking a nap.
9:10AM-- Spraying Self with Sunblock
9:30AM-- Start walk Down DIamond, On to the boardwalk, down for over 1.5miles, cross to bay, hit Cass Street, walk back to Diamond.
9:45AM-- Listen to "Sexy Back" Just oooonnnne more time.
10:30AM--Slow walk down a good deal and window shop a little.
10:45AM-- Back from walk (working up to the running)
11:00AM-- Make Smoothie
11:30AM-- Take Shower
12:30PM-- Ready for the day!
12:31PM--Check Craigslist, NPworks, Monster, and all other job postings for jobs
12:45PM--Start emailing out Resumes and Cover Letters...
1PM-- Done with that
1:01PM-- Facebook it for a bit
2:02PM--Add books to my Amazon list
3:03PM-- Read something scholarly
4:04PM--Open Thesis File.... but only open it
4:30PM--Sit on back deck in the full sun
6:00PM--Think about Dinner...
7:00PM--Make Dinner
8:00PM-- Call Friends
8:01PM--Remember no one has a job or money to actually do anything...
8:02PM--Open bottle of wine and find a book or movie
11PM-- Go to Bed and Repeat

Did I mention on Saturday we had Hamism? Lots of Ham. Potato salad and other side dishes. Mmm. We also watched coverage of Swine Flu.

That being said:


<i>The university is committed to keeping the university community informed on swine flu as it relates to our campus.  On Tuesday, April 28, a student was treated by Student Health Services for flu-like symptoms.  The student was experiencing a fever, respiratory illness and tested positive for type A influenza.  Based on this, the student is considered to have a "suspected" case of swine flu.  The student is currently receiving treatment and the condition is not considered life threatening.  The university is working with the San Diego County Health Department to further investigate if the student has swine flu.  Meantime, the student - who does not live on campus - will not be returning to campus until the condition improves to the point where the student is no longer infectious.

We are not aware of any other suspected cases of swine flu on campus.  Following consultation with the San Diego County Health Department, classes and other university operations are continuing.  If a case of swine flu is confirmed, additional information will be provided, however this may take several days.  It is important to know that thus far, no deaths have been attributed to swine flu in the U.S.  However, it is important that each of us take necessary precautions to prevent the spread of infection. </i>


Guess how many of my kids were "sick" on monday...

I really, really love my students. Even my 2pm class. Who I wanted to kick in the face a little at the beginning of the semester.

Thesis went to publisher. and I promptly found about 1500 things wrong with it... like a missing page number...  it literally looks like this (p.) in my thesis... grrrreeeat. It was only 266 bucks for 6 copies... kinda sweet deal. Black covers with silver lettering for the library, department, Val and George. Oceany Blue and silver for my mom and My kiwi green with gold lettering for me! Yay!

One last paper. And actually my "heated" talk over in a community really helped me nail out the whole thing. I had the connection but had not articulated it correctly/well/whatever.

Only three weeks of grad school left. Weird.

Also, everyone and their mom now wants me to go to Ph.d but I am too happy in San Diego. So to folks (looking at you Kat) out there who have or have not... what are your thoughts? The New York Times had a great article about part of my problem the other day. We become so specialized so each school has one of us and then of course we can't get jobs... yay. I just feel guilty taking something away from someone who may have worked harder and had to overcome different obstacles to get where they are today... and for me... it was kinda just handed to me... 

 

One of my favorite things to do is compliment people throughout the day. This seems weird I know. I think it's the last little bit of southerness still flowing in my veins. But for some strange reason, I feel amazing when I compliment others.


I'll compliment on cute tops, jeans, dresses, earrings, shoes (ohhh shoes!), smarts, artistic talents, drinking making skillz, and hair styles, and etc.  I think a nice "Awesome shirt!", "Really cute earrings!", "Those sweatpants look so comfy and they are cute too!", "You sooo know how to make a martini" and "Where DO you get your hair done! That style is rockin!"  puts a smile on anyone's face and brightens a day.


What doesn't?

Oh look at that top! Did you lose weight?
So cute... on your body.
That hair cut really makes your face look pretty.
and etc.

So give compliments! Make other people feel good! Just watch the backhanded slap anti-compliment put down.

I PASSED MY THESIS DEFENSE WITH FLYING COLORS! WOOHAAA! :-)

My head has been spinning lately over what is bringing me down. It's not a normal down, such as when I talk to my mom about Pop and his health or when I am stressed about school or even worrying over money matters. It's a different down that follows me like a little cloud but doesn't start to rain. Just a shadowy mist covering the day. It's been hard for me to put my finger on it. But the more I think about what it is that is bothering me, it just comes right to the surface.

I'm pissed. And there.is.nothing.i.can.do.about.it.

Let's be honest.
Know what's gonna get me a job after graduation?
My previous job experience.
Know what most Marketing companies and departments are gonna say about my writing?
Tone it down. Cut the "big" words out.

I'm stuck in a bad, bad place.

I hate saying this. I HATE saying this. I HATE SAYING THIS.
But I have to.

These are the roads I am seeing:

Professional Road:
I'll be asked to give up all the knowledge I've "learned" and revert back to an old way of writing and thinking. I'll get the little pat on the head and "good girl!" behavior. I don't think I can handle it. And by "handle" I mean deal with it on any level without a remark that could get my fired.

Academic Road:
I'll have to deal with elitist asshats. More drama like or unlike my current departments. And right now I have no desire to do this ANYMORE. Plus, why would I want to go on when the folks I would need letters of rec from have forgotten to include me in newsletters and etc-- by include me I mean include I am at the conferences and etc. It happened twice and I was the ONLY grad student left off.. I mean really.. it's obvious that no one gives a shit.


It's just this stuck with on possible "good" future. It sucks and I am pissed about it.

I should not have to "give up" everything, but I know, so it's "easier" I will. Because I've seen it before and I'll see it again, it just sucks.

So I defend my thesis next Monday at 12pm.
It's a weird feeling. And to tell you the truth, I feel out of sorts about it. For one, we build up the thesis to be this big, massive thing. A looming goal that holds many troubles and tears along the way. But the truth of the matter, it wasn't that difficult. I made it kinda difficult at times, but really... it's not that bad. So I feel the defense will be very anti-climatic. Which makes me a little sad. Much like graduation... I feel a little bad I'm not that excited about it. After all this hard work, you'd think I'd be more pumped.

Maybe it's the last paper I have to do. Maybe it's the fact I am coming to terms with the idea that Ph.D may not be for me.

Lately, I have been reflecting on privilege in terms of education a lot. Of course kids from middle to upper income families are more likely to attend college, they can afford computers, tutors, and typically education is held up to some degree. But if you don't meet that standard, well tough shit. As a teacher, my favorite students have typically not been those like me. My best students are typically from a more middle class background, but my favorite students aren't. As a teacher I love watching these students grown, develop new ideas, and really appreciate this education they are lucky to get.


Frankly, I'm done.
I would rather someone else, someone with more smarts, more drive, more gun-ho to do it, to get the position I would have gone after. I'm tired of pushing myself to be some sort of intellectual that I just am not.

And this is the best part of this entire process.

It's ok. It's completely ok. And I may change my mind or the situation may change... and that's ok too.
The point of the matter is that I am finally seeing my "short comings" as not that. I am seeing them as me, as my character. Sure, I'd love a stronger, larger vocab. But you know what? I'm very well read, and I don't have it. And that's ok. It's me. We're not all suppose to be superstars. I'm proud of my friends with book chapters, amazing award-winning studies and presentations, and overall drive to be the scholars they are. But I am really proud that I took this chance, moved out here, started this program, made amazing friends. 

I may have a masters in May. I may have a few papers at a few conferences. I may have some good ideas. I may enjoy reading and expanding myself in that matter, but maybe... maybe I'm just not academic material... and that's ok. I'm ready to be able to be ok with this. the more I think of privilege and education, the more sick I get to my stomach. I want to cause change in the world, but maybe this isn't that path. And that's A-ok.

I think it takes a good 26 years to realize that all those things that make you different, that you use to compare yourself to others, that you frown at are actually all the things that make you really, really cool. I want to embrace these and just be rather than striving to be something I'm not.

Just as moving from DC allowed me to turn in the Tiffany's and Mc-Manson ideals and over a new leaf, I feel leaving the walls of SDSU will free me from some of the less appealing aspects of academia I am seeing popping out of the woodwork.

It's kinda nice being your own person...
I am now seeing how my dear Kari lives so much and so full! ;-)